Sample #5

The Cycle of Friendship

The friendships in my life seem to have a life cycle.  They have a beginning, a growth period, and some kind of decline.  It’s not always been clear to me when a friendship has ended, and many seem to quietly drift into the category of acquaintance, rather than to formally end.  Of course, memories remain. I suppose you can pick up years later where you left off.

Friends are in our life because we’ve had something in common, some shared interaction or experience, some mutual interest, and often we have quite a few of these friends in our lives.  They come and go in lives as our circumstances change…a new school, a new job, a new hobby.  When the circumstance that brought us together changes, these friendships often change too.  We still care about them and remember the shared experience, but we probably don’t think about them regularly.

However, there are a few souls we’ll encounter with whom we make a real connection.  These are the friends who don’t drift out of our lives when a shared circumstance changes.  Sometimes these friendships will grow gradually, and sometimes you’ll just “click” with them.  You know what I mean.  These are the friendships that even though you end up separated, you choose to stay in contact, to stay involved to some degree in each other’s lives.  You choose to support them and to receive their support.  This doesn’t happen because of some special magic—it’s simply a choice you both make.  Both friends recognize that there is something that they have to offer each other, that they make each other better people, that although they are whole, complete people on their own, they still need each other. Marry someone like this.

But friendships are a lot of work.  They take time to maintain, and the friendships that you’ll really treasure and value in your life may perhaps be the most challenging at times to sustain.  I think there are a couple of reasons for this.  First, when you really get close to someone, you are going to find out things about them that you don’t particularly like.  No one is perfect, and this soul you have met will have his or her share of flaws.  There will be differences of opinion, disagreements, different preferences—when you get really close to someone, you are going to step on each other’s toes, and if you have a friend you spend a lot of time with, you’ll understand.  You’ll have to decide what you are willing to overlook and what boundaries you are going to set.  When those boundaries are crossed, you are going to need to communicate that in a constructive fashion.  Like I said, good friends are a lot of work.  You’ll know those friendships because they’ll frustrate you at times, but you’ll be willing to work hard to maintain them.

I think another reason that lifelong friendships are challenging to maintain is that people change as we go through life, growing physically, mentally, emotionally, and often spiritually.  Who you are today is different from who you were 10 years ago, and you’ll be a different person 10 years in the future.  As you go through life, you’ll have experiences, and those experiences will shape who you become. When you are in a close friendship, you will both change as you age, and this can easily have a bearing on your friendship if the things that made you click also change. 

If you want a friendship to last a lifetime, you are going to need to accept that the nature of the friendship may change and that it’s up to both of you to make the choice to grow together, at least in areas that you can maintain a common interest.  It’s a commitment you’ll need to make, a choice you’ll need to surrender to.  Maintaining a close friendship is often a lot like brushing your teeth. It only takes a little time on a regular basis to have healthy teeth, but if you don’t do it, your teeth will eventually start to decay.  You can’t brush away a cavity and you can’t create years of experiences in a day.  Regular, meaningful contact with the people you care about is often all that it takes to maintain healthy friendships.  If you don’t spend the time staying in contact, your friendships will surely change and fade.  It’s a two-way street, and both friends need to put forth effort to maintain the friendship.

All friendships will eventually end.  At the very least someone will die, and only memories will remain.  At other times, people who you really care about will just choose not to continue reciprocating your friendship, and there can be all sorts of reasons why this might happen.  You can choose to be sad about the change or be happy with the memories you have, the lessons you have learned from your friend.  It’s a choice, although I’m not suggesting that it’s an easy exercise to only stay positive about this kind of thing.  But it is up to you to be in charge of your thinking.  No one can do it for you.  Staying positive is a practiced affair, just like everything else in life, and more practice makes it easier.

I often set aside a few minutes at lunch time to send a short text to 10-20 people who I’m interested in keeping in contact with.  It just takes a few minutes, a lot like brushing your teeth, but I’ve found the benefits to be very rewarding.  I don’t say much.  Often, it’s just a little phrase or image that has some thoughtful message. Most people don’t respond often, but at least they know I’ve thought of them and when they do respond, we’ve connected.  For people who I really want to keep close, I use the full moon as a triggering mechanism.  Around the full moon, I make an effort to call, write, or connect meaningfully with about 5-10 people who I really want to stay close with.  We don’t always connect, but for 13 times per year, we’ve thought about each other and each made the attempt to keep in touch.  It makes a difference.  Why not find a triggering mechanism that works for you and make a list of people who you want to keep close?  I think you’ll find it worth the effort.