Sample #3

Your sexuality is or is going to be an important part of your life and it’s frequently a strange mix of confusion, embarrassment, excitement, uncomfortableness, extreme pleasure, and perhaps a whole host of other emotions. Don’t expect to find answers here. It’s a pretty broad and very personal subject. Do expect to find some questions to ask yourself here, but understanding your sexuality is going to be an experiential, life-long process and your answers will be unique to you. Try not to be embarrassed or feel awkward about your sexuality. It’s just another part of you, a good part of you that can really enrich your life.

I’ll start with saying that although related, sex and sexuality are not necessarily the same thing and are not the same for everyone. Sexual acts in and of themselves are just that - they are acts and events that will occur in your life, either by yourself or with others. Embarrassing as it may be to discuss at times, sexual behavior is a completely normal part of life. We are sexual beings. Everyone has the impulse, sometimes stronger at times, to have sexual experiences and to have contact in this way with others. What form the sexual act takes, whether by yourself or with another person is a very personal choice, and it’s typically something people in our society keep very private, despite the fact that TV, the movies, and the internet are just packed with sexually-oriented content. Spoiler alert – most of what you will see from these sources is not realistic. 

As far as sexual behavior is concerned, remember that thoughts and actions are very different. In your teenage years, it’s very normal to have all sorts of sexual thoughts go through your head. Don’t be too concerned if you find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts – everything is “turning on” at that time in your life and nature’s just trying to make sure that the human race doesn’t die out…also, the changes in your body are new and perhaps a bit confusing, so it’s normal to be interested in what’s happening there. There’s no way to understand those changes without the context of at least some experience. If you find yourself thinking about sex all the time and wonder if that’s normal…the answer is yes…that’s really quite normal. Also, as you go through your late teenage years and into year early twenties, you may very well physically be at your best, attractively speaking. Your peers will likely be the same. Add to that the fact that you are often with large numbers of very attractive, youthful people in school or college, and it’s easy to see why you might be at times be pre-occupied with sex.

Society assigns a lot of significance to sex, but sex is perhaps not inherently significant in and of itself. We’ve just assigned all this meaning to it and so now it has all this “significance” …look at the other animals in the world and ask yourself if they assign the same significance to sex that humans do. You could argue that the reproductive process is just that, a process like others in the body. That’s not to say that there aren’t some real consequences at times to sexual behavior. Children are brought into the world this way and it’s just irresponsible to behave sexually and not consider that others yet to be born may be involved in the consequences. As a child of a one parent family and a father in a loving two parent family, I can personally attest to the value of considering all of the potential consequences of sexual behavior. Also, when people have sexual contact with lots of other people, it’s really quite easy to transmit and contract diseases, some of while are uncomfortable and permanent, others of which can be deadly. Finally, if sexual contact is misused, it can cause a lot of harm to people, potentially for the rest of their lives. So, although we assign a lot of significance to sexual behavior, there may be some real benefits to doing so. A single sexual experience could potentially change your life forever. It’s not something to be taking lightly. Some things cannot be undone, and this is potentially one of those areas. There is a note later in this book about “Safe Sex”, and it’s worth your time. It’s not about the mechanics of being “safe” in this activity…it’s about the opportunity to truly feel safe with another person in this area of your life. There’s a lot of trust that happens in this area and feeling “safe” with another person in this way is a huge part of a healthy sex life. There are people who are married to each other, but still don’t have “safe sex”.

As you go through adolescence and puberty, you’ll probably have all sorts of interesting feelings pop up, some of which may be a bit confusing and embarrassing. A lot of this is just because these feelings are new. Think about a time when you had to go into a new environment, perhaps going to a new grade or new school. It’s a little awkward at first, simply because it’s new. It’s kind of the same with your sexuality, although you probably won’t adjust to it as quickly as you would a new school. It may take a decade…yes, ten years or even longer to become comfortable with your sexuality, and that’s completely to be expected. Think about it…your body changes physically over roughly a 10-year period from age 12 to your early 20’s, why would you expect your emotions and your sexuality to be any different? Further, in order to really begin to understand your sexuality, you are probably going to need to have sexual experiences and then reflect on them over time. You can approach that whole process with embarrassment and confusion, or you can do so contemplatively and with excitement. I’d recommend choosing the latter approach. It’ll be a lot more fun and you’ll have a much better experiences. Steer away from feelings of guilt in this area. There’s a chapter later in this book on understanding guilt and where it comes from. If you find yourself experiencing guilt in this area, you might take a look there for some questions to ask yourself. 

There is no rush to have sexual experiences. Don’t let anyone or anything push you onto that path. If you spend time and meditate thoughtfully on it before hand, you’ll know when you are ready. That might be in your teenage years, or it might not be until much later. It’s your choice and you’ll be responsible for that choice, just like the other choices in your life. Until you’ve actually had a sexual experience with another person, it’s hard to understand how vulnerable and personal that experience may be. It has the potential to be an amazing display of trust, acceptance, communication, and sharing, or it can just be a selfish and purely physical act. You may find that you have both kinds of experiences, and many in between as you become more experienced. For many who choose to do so when they are young, it’s often a bit clumsy and disappointing…not at all like the movies or other imagery you’ve probably seen. It may be a real “growing up” moment–an experience you probably won’t forget. That’s kind of what life is all about you know, having different experiences and then reflecting on them. You’ve done that in every other area of your life, why would your sexuality be any different? Don’t expect yourself to be ready to have a deep level of intimacy and connection when you are a teenager, and if you by chance are that mature, don’t expect your partner to be ready for that level of meaning either.  It’d be awesome if that happens, but it’s more likely that you won’t have that level of intimacy with someone until you are older. My recommendation? Make thoughtful choices and don’t pass up the chance to really reflect on choices you make and the sexual experiences you do have as you age. Maybe keep a private journal and write down what happened and how you feel (even if that means you had the opportunity to have a sexual experience and choose to delay). Even better, actually talk openly with your partner about the experiences you are having together. If you do this, you’ll probably find you are finally being “different” in the world. Oh yeah, one more very important thing – remember that there’s no need to rush into any of this, despite what your peers at school appear to be doing. It’s your journey and it’s okay to wait and begin it when you are sure you’re ready. If you are honest with yourself, I’m confident you’ll know when that time comes.

There’s this strange idea that people lose something when they add this facet to their lives…the loss of innocence, or perhaps the loss of virginity. Innocence is an interesting word. It’s antonym is guilty, and I think that has an undesirable connotation. You haven’t lost innocence as much as you’ve just gained an experience, gained some context for something new. That’s not a loss. And as for the term “virginity”…that’s a made-up term. Someone in the very distant past invented that concept as if it meant something. People also made up slavery and lots of other terrible things, and of course that doesn't make them valid concepts in any way.  Don't give other people, especially long-since-dead people any power over your belief system. There is no such thing as a moral loss that comes from this activity if people understand what they are doing, make mature choices, and then accept the responsibility for their results.

As you age, you’ll probably find that although there is a lot of excitement pursuing people you are attracted to, sometimes the pursuit is more exciting than the prize. I’ve heard it likened to a dog chasing a car…if he catches the car, now what? Intimate relationships (whether sex is involved or not) are a lot of work and often don’t last very long when you are young. But eventually, you’ll probably find that you want a real, permanent connection with someone. When that does happen, remember to look for someone who’s writing the same story you are.

There seems to be a lot of conversation lately about our “preferences” and our “gender identity”. This was a pretty taboo subject when I was younger, but it sure is “out there” today. The reality is that although children are brought into the world through the sexual act, some people are attracted to their same gender. Society has assigned a lot of significance to this depending on where you live in the world, but why should this significance be inherently any different? Also, when religion gets in the mix, people can become very judgmental and high-minded, despite the fact that religion is responsible for many of the terrible atrocities that have occurred throughout history. If 50% of male-female marriages fail, how is that group an expert? If a doctor had a 50% failure rate for surgeries, I’d find a better doctor. It may be that some of us are genetically predisposed to same sex attraction and it may be that this is a conditioned response due to events and choices we make in our lives. It’s probably a combination of both. I’ve found it rare in life when there are “either-or” situations, so why should it be any different with our sexuality? People who tend to get very judgmental in this area probably have some other issues they are dealing with. The reality is that your sexuality is your personal business. At the same time, I would suggest that just as you would prefer others to not push their personal views on you, you afford them the same respect.

It’s apparently quite common to have same-sex crushes when you are young. Studies have shown that 1 in 5 youths reported having same sex crushes, and that’s just the ones who admitted it. You can be sure there are many who do not admit it. If you want some support for that statistic, a quick internet search will find you several reputable sources, but as you can imagine, the data for this is probably a bit hard to gather, given the private nature of the questions. I’ve venture to say that many of us probably have had this curiosity at some point when we were young. I don’t think that this means that a person is gay or not. When you are young, everything is just “on” and it’s normal to have all sorts of sexual feelings, perhaps toward both genders. It’s kind of a weird time. Having feelings doesn’t mean you have to act on them. I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t act on them. I’m just saying that it’s always a choice to act on our feelings, and those choices have consequences. We are just habit machines, meaning that what we begin to do and think, especially when strong emotions are involved, can easily become what we are used to, even prefer, whether it’s advantageous or not. Our personal experiences have a material influence on shaping who we become in life. The behavior choices you make with regard to your sexuality will definitely shape how you think in the future, especially when you are young.

You have a story about sex, some kind of mental way of thinking about it, and that story came from somewhere. It’s an evolving story that began somewhere as a much younger version of yourself. I have a story as well, and so does your mother. Because you were raised by us, you have undoubtedly adopted some of our story. I want you to know that our story is not right. It’s also not wrong. It’s just a made-up thing about how things are supposed to be, and we absorbed that over our lifetimes. It’s a changing story as well, and I’m constantly updating it, discarding beliefs about my sexuality and becoming more comfortable with who I am. Your mother is doing the same. Your story will change as well over the years, and I encourage you to be comfortable with that process. We are sexual beings, and I think it’s best to view that as a gift. It’s an amazing way to connect with another human being, and that’s just going to be so different because people are so different. Who you choose to partner with in this regard will also have a story about their own sexuality, these stories run very deep in our subconscious, often driving behaviors and feelings we are not even aware of, and this is a great opportunity for growth. When you are ready to include this wonderful facet of life in your experience, be all in. Be committed to experiencing what there is to experience, wherever that goes. I’m not suggesting that you behave irresponsibly. In fact, what I’m describing here is quite the opposite, and that’s why it’s grown-up stuff. There is wonder to be found here, but it’ll take a mature mind to find it. Expect that process to take some time and be kind to yourself as you grow in this area.

Your sexuality is likely to be an evolving process and we make choices about our sexual behaviors. Don’t rush to make conclusions about yourself. You’ll have plenty of time for that. I’m not saying that you necessarily have a choice about who you are attracted to…I’m just saying that choice is an important part of everything in life and I believe it’s the same with our sexuality. There is nothing inherently right or wrong with the choices you make, but your choices bring about your results. Be willing to accept the responsibility for your choices because you will inevitably become responsible for them, like it or not. Our choices lead to experiences and shape who we are. Give yourself the time you need to mature and grow up before you make choices that can have a permanent effect on the course of your life–take as much time as you need. It’s your journey and I know you can be happy with your choices if you make them thoughtfully. Welcome to being an adult! I know you’ll be great at it!