Sample #6

Choosing Your Language

Your mother and I told you that when you ask for freedom, we intend to give it to you.  We can’t stop you anyway, so we’ll just choose to support you, but we also told you that with that freedom will come responsibility…that means you are responsible for your choices.  It could mean great benefits or consequences you don’t like…and that’s on you.  It always will be that way in life and there’s no escaping that, so just own it and don’t try to escape that fact.  I like to think of the word “response-able” as the combination of two other words…you are capable and you’ll have the opportunity to respond to the events that occur in our life.  The freedom you receive will not be what you think it is…trust me on that…it’s great, to be sure, but my guess is that your experience will be very different from your expectations.  Don’t think I’m telling you here that you should delay asking for freedom…your time is finite on this planet and there’s no time to waste.  I’m absolutely confident that you’ll find your way and that you’ll know what do, even if it’s not until after that you’ve done it that you realize that you knew all along.  I’m more worried about me than you, quite frankly, and I find that kind of funny.

Well, on this matter of choosing your language, here’s another area where freedom and responsibility come into play.  Our culture is two-faced on this one…it has a double standard that it waves in front of kids as they are growing up, and kids see right through it, doing the best that they can to reconcile the two.  We listened to a YouTube video the other day that was a real lesson in disguise, and I did this totally on purpose.  It featured a comedian doing a stand-up routine where he chants about needing his phone, wallet, and keys, along with all the silliness that comes from being tied to all the stuff in our lives.  Objectively, it’s really quite an important subject and he covered it in a way that we don’t normally do…in a rapping, chant kind-of-thing, laced with repetition, humor, insight, and lots and lots of profanity…and the really bad words, too, like “mother-fucker” and other things you really wouldn’t want to just shout out in the wrong context.  That kind of language gets my attention.  I’m reserving judgment in this book, as is my custom.  It was art…and controversial art at that, no denying that fact.

Question: is that okay?  At twelve years old, which you are as I write this, it’s a great question, and as usual, I don’t have the answer for you…this one’s also on you. There were literally thousands, perhaps tens of thousands of people present in the auditorium where that “art” was being created, and they paid a lot in time and money to be there and to appreciate it.  They voted their approval by these actions, along with their laughter and continued presence.  Further, the event was recorded and is available on YouTube for free, at a moment’s notice, with no age restrictions.  I just typed a few keywords on the Google and there we are, me and a twelve-year-old, watching a profanity laced video.  Lots of other content is available as well, and you can see the note on your mental diet for my thoughts on how you might approach that subject.  Society, or at least some segment of society, clearly approves of this kind of language in this context.  But is it “okay”?

If you used that kind of language in the classroom, in front of a teacher, what do you suppose might happen?   Yeah…isn’t that strange?  On the one hand, people flock by the thousands to appreciate a form of “art” that is laced with this type of language, yet you’re held to very different, strict standards in the school setting about this kind of thing.  Here’s another thought…what if that very teacher was present in the audience and appreciating the “art”? Maybe that’s the case.  Either way, you’ve got this dilemma before you on what kind of language standards are okay.  Good luck with that one.  Welcome to growing up.  The answer here for you is that you’ll just have to choose what kind language you want to use and to associated with, and then accept the responsibility for that choice.  Of course, you will always be responsible, but accepting the responsibility willingly is a different matter entirely…it means you’ll have forethought, you’ll consciously decide what kind of standards you want to have, as opposed to just allowing the world to filter in and alter your standards.  Expect this to be hard because of all this weird psychology stuff that comes into play.  Human beings tend to conform to others, and you and I are no different.  The “peer pressure” that you experience in school never goes away, and those who mature and really grow up realize that, taking charge of their thinking, making conscious choices about their thought patterns, their language, and their habits.  Again, welcome to freedom, responsibility and being an adult.  There are lots of other flavors of this kind of thing in life and growing up means learning to negotiate these waters with conscious thought.

There have been some fascinating studies on this topic of conformity.  If you’re interested in more, and I hope you are, look up the “Solomon Asch Experiments”, or the “Stanley Milgram experiments”.  They studied this matter of human conformity and the results are astounding. Also check out the “Stanford Prison Experiment” but be ready for some crazy shit—grown-up shit.  Yeah, I just wrote “shit”, attesting to the double standard you’re faced with.  Remember that it’s the context of our language that generally determines of how it’s received.  Using such language in a hurtful way is pretty easy to recognize.  There are times when using more “colorful” language simply has an energy behind it that conveys a strong emotion.  Words are just made up stuff, just like everything else in the world.

So now, on this matter of the freedom to choose your language—you have it now. We are often not present and cannot control you.  Kids in school are experimenting with all sorts of language, and who can blame them?  They hear this language in the movies and from other adults, and they are no dummies…they see the double standard and all the “grownups” using it at times, so of course they are going to try it out.  I certainly did.  I’ll suggest that in general, it’s a sign of intelligence to use other words to express yourself, mainly because our audience is often unclear.  “When in doubt, be conservative” is usually a good mantra in this department.  My thought here is just to notice the language you find yourself using and ask yourself why you chose it.  Did the language have the desired outcome you wanted?  Was it hurtful or upbuilding to others?  Did it make your conversation clearer with your listener?  Was it appropriate for the setting?  Did you choose those words to “fit in” with your peers, just because everyone else was doing it, because you didn’t want to appear different? If so, how do you really feel about that?  Would you use different words if you weren’t trying to fit in? Good questions, these.  You know what to do.